When I grow up..

There's gonna be a lot of changes growing up. I've already made myself aware of that. But maybe I didn't prepare myself enough on the particulars- on how much change there is actually going to be. Maybe I underestimated the toll brought about by the varying degrees of modifications. Lately, stepping into the same world I used to know but with a different pair of shoes seems like the most lethal thing invented. I'm not really sure if being this scared of transitions is proof of being childish or being childlike. Because for what I'm seeing now, adulthood is messy, sad and frankly so stiff and serious, so rigid and narrow, you'd want to just stay inside your mother's womb forever. Exaggeration? Yes. But amazingly enough, it has its little truth worthy of being written down. I'm 19 and an adult myself. And the more I push on life, the more I fret. I don't want to be the sour people sitting behind desks and offices making 19 year-olds feel like they're the most worthless things ever. I don't want to be the surly gray beings, who not only deny you of any help but also make sure they bathe you with sarcasm while at it. I was all over my school this day, trying to fix some academic stuff and was spinning like a top trying to piece together the different processes, different adults were telling me I should do. It was complicated. But we like to make life complicated now, don't we? They had differing versions of the fixing process and I tried to comply with each of their methods, all the while trying to keep my shit together. I tried to be polite even after being insulted, stared, smirked and shouted at. One swallow of pride was not enough. They were older. They were this circus' ringleader. I am one of the caged attractions. I don't want to become one of them in the future. Really. But I'm feeling there's this small inevitability of it since I came home with a frown that did not want to hide itself. I kicked a dining room chair, rolled my eyes at my little brother when he asked me about science. To which I also answered, “go figure it out, you're big enough.” :(