Merriam-Webster
dictionary defines awkward as lacking ease or grace.
And
basically, maybe 50% or more of my anatomy is composed of it. I don't
know why that is. It's not being shy. Shy is different and I can
assure you, I'm far from it. I'm opinionated, talkative (with sense:
optional) and outgoing. I guess the real issue here is the matter of
comfort. Shy is never actually going for things or saying something
because there is the presence of fear preventing the planned deed.
Awkward is more of pushing through with said plan but never actually
having the grace or poise to execute it without embarrassing oneself.
That moment when you see a familiar more-of-an-acquaintance type of
face from afar and your stomach seems to twist itself into knots.
When you bump into a former high school “it” girl and realize,
even though years have passed, the same social hierarchy still stands
effective- you are what you have always been, the insignificant plain
jane by the corner. When you pretend not to notice your past paramour
when he's seated merely seats away from you on a jeepney. Those
little moments when you want to tear your hair out and say
censor-worthy things to destiny are routines for us, the awkward
community. And ,frankly, sometimes it's just sad.
Sometimes
I wish I was awake when the angels of heaven sprinkled social skills.
I would have pushed my way through just to get a decent amount of it.
Then I wouldn't have to struggle with myself, figuring out if I
should have said hi at all to someone at the time and then regretting
it afterwards when small talks turn as bad as lectures about certain
“mature” things from your parents. AWKWARD!!!! I've always been
the type who wants to approach people I know or knew. But when I do,
it's either I mumble the weirdest facts, the corniest jokes, the most
boring small talks or the most insincere how are you's. And when I
don't, a feeling of guilt washes over me. I knew from the back of my
mind “oh, no.. should've said hi, now I bet they think I'm a snob.”
Please, I'm no snob. I just dont want to embarrass myself in front of
you, in front of anybody in fact because, yes, my small talk skills
are that terrible. Any way you look at it. I'm still the loser-
always have and always will. Which makes me question if ever I do
belong to journalism. Reporters aren't afraid to approach, much more
dominate conversations. They're this people with golden tongues who
know exactly what to say. I've never been that. I see to it that I
plan what to say. I set up fillers and I figure out sneaky ways to
inject humor (which in all honesty has failed me countless times
already). I try to say smart things as much as possible. In the end,
it just seems desperate and pathetic. But I guess that's just the way
it is. I'm so awkward, maybe even my DNA and other microscopic
constituents hide from each other to avoid communication.
But
to my great fortune, some people find my social weakness, cute. They
have the time of their life watching me rack my brain for things to
say, which will eventually be cut short because I always politely and
awkwardly excuse myself to go, knowing I would never make it past the
3 – 5 sentence record I have. I don't want to seem plastic
to people but I don't want to come off aloof either. I don't know
what to call friends who you're not that close to. Open friends?
Haha, I made a funny. They're the real challenge, ofcourse. I mean
when you're with your closest group of people, you can talk about
cheese, for all you know, and you'd still be having a good time. It's
different with these open friends. But I have to admit it makes life
all the more exciting.
P.S.
Imagine me running all action star-like just to avoid talking with a
high school knowing. (Think Mission Impossible or more accurately,
think Johnny English)
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